Treatment after Christmas Vacation

Yesterday, was chemo#4, the day after we returned from holiday in Louisiana. So if you're asking yourself if I actually scheduled my chemo treatment around our christmas vacation, the answer is yes. Haven't we met?

I didn't blog because I finally uploaded pictures since September to Facebook, and worked on my 100+ work emails collected while away. And we didn't do a meal list because of the hectic holidays & the fact we're mostly covered by visiting with friends & family.

As for chemo#4, I'm being extremely diligent about medication & nutrition. Medication - eating Tums every 3-4 hours to prevent the massive heartburn, taking an anti-nausea pill at the slightest queasy stomach, etc. Nutrition - small portions (i.e. listening to Graham when he says that I've had enough), no tomatoes or peppers for the first five days (to aid in anti-heartburn), high proteins (to aid in healthy cell regrowth), high ruffage & fat-free (to aid in digestion). And as always, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate - to force flushing of the system, so to speak.

I hope everyone's holidays went and are still going along smoothly. Here's to going into 2012 with a more educated mind, a warm heart and a healthier body. May all of your wishes during this time be fulfilled, and may you all find the enlightenment you're needing & searching for.

All my love,
Laurie

Chemo Treatment 3 of 6

day 1, wed - finished in 1/2 the time since I haven't had any side effects during infusion.  went to the office for a little bit then to home to start resting up!

day 2, thurs - 1/2 day at the office while I have energy, but I feel the exhaustion setting in at 11am, but I have to wait to get to the hospital for my immunity boost injection.  I go home right afterwards at 2pm to sleep.  Starting to feel the achiness, and nausea sets in.  Thank goodness for medication.  A dear friend delivers dinner.

day3, fri - morning meeting at the office, leave by 11am.  At home, I can't move.  I start to feel abdominal pains, and exhaustion.  I take the codine and regelin to ease, but simply need to wait it out.  Another dear friend delivers dinner.

day 4, sat - exhaustion, achiness, exhaustion, soreness, exhaustion, achiness.  Feel good in the morning, so make the family blueberry pancakes which are actually great for me to eat.  But I must get out.  Twins have a playmate's birthday party and it's good to get out and sit amongst friends.  We go home, and I a little chinese food (which, no matter how much soy sauce, still can't taste) and then try to get through the night of constipation (due to chemo and codine), achiness and stomach pains.

day 5, sun - feel good in the morning.  I go grocery shopping in the morning, but have it all delivered.  It feels good to walk and stretch my body.  I go home and crash.  Another birthday party in the evening, which we all enjoy.  But once we're home and I get the girls settled for the night, the achiness and pain sets in.  It's a tough night, but I get through.

day 6, mon - Still feeling abdominal pain, plus one of the girls have a fever.  I stay home with her and we both sleep it out.  But by the time the night comes, my head is pounding with congestion, and I have to do everything I can not to get a fever.  Another dear friend delivers dinner.  Once the girls are asleep, I nasal wash, take a hot eucalyptus, rub myself with mentholatum, put hydrogen poroxide drops into my ears, and snuggle into bed.  Once the hubby gets home, he rubs my head with Tiger Balm, and puts mentholatum on my feet.  I sleep all night long. 

day 7, tues - I wake still feeling the sinus headache, but check my temperature (every four hours) and ensure that it doesn't go above 100 degrees (in which I'd have to get to the hospital ASAP).  I nasal wash in the morning, and feel better.  I get a decongestant (not Advil, no blood thinners), and go to work. My head still aches, and whenever I bend down or put my head lower than my heart my head fills like it'll explode!  I leave work early, and take it easy at home.   A dear friend from afar ordered dinner for us.  Hubby gets home and takes care of the girls.  I do my nightly detox - eucalyptus bath, nasal wash, drops in ears, mentholatum rub and snuggle in.

day 8, wed - I wake feeling much, much better!!!!!  Fighting chemo and a cold!  Now, that's exhausting!  Off to work!

day 9, thu - feel well enough to attend the festival holiday party!

day 10, fri - feel completely normal.  We take the girls to see Cathy Rigby in PETER PAN at Madison Square Garden, and it's completely amazing!!!!

day 11, sat through day 15, wed - all is well, and if you couldn't see my bald head you'd think I was completely healthy!

day 16, thur - travel day to New Orleans.  I wrap my right arm, the one with the 24 removed lymph nodes, with an ace bandage during the flight in order to prevent swelling.  However, the 3.5 hour flight still causes swelling, and towards the end I'm the crazy lady holding her arm in the air & massaging it madly.  It's sore for several hours after we land and returns to normal soon after.  The plane ride was fine, and couldn't expect any more germs on an airplane than exists on the New York subway.  However the second twin gets the first twins' fever and we work over the next 3 days on fighting the virus. it works!

day 17, fri - we go for a boat ride on the bayou!

day 18, sat - Christmas Eve, and see old friends at mass. I wear my wig for the first time, so as to not draw anymore attention than need be.  I realize that it actually helps mask me like I never thought!  No one is looking, and that's strange for south Louisiana!  It itches a bit, but other than that, completely works. 

day 19, sun - Christmas Day, couldn't have asked for more.

day 20, mon - Large family get together in Baton Rouge, and it's great to see the extended family.

day 21, tues - travel day back to NYC.  Since the flight is an hour shorter due to tailwind, there is no swelling in the arm, just a little soreness.  We get home, unpack and I prepare for treatment #4!

LIFE WITH CHEMO ....

... can sometimes seem like normal.  For just a second, then something like the sores on my tongue, a peek at my reflection in a passing store window, the deep sighs that help me catch my breath - they all remind me.  There are times I use my cancer card, in fact as often as I can.  To grab a seat on the subway, to get out of helping with thanksgiving dinner, to get out of doing dishes. But for the most part, I try to do everything I can, as if life were normal. But there are times I can't.  I can't make it to the Beijing Dance Co's performance at Lincoln Center because I wore myself out on Thanksgiving.  I can't go to the closing night of the solo festival I labored on all year long, because it's the weekend after a treatment & I'm knocked on my ass.  I can't go to a late night avant garde show with my best friends because anything after 9pm is considered bedtime.

Then there's the actual care of one's self.  Imagine the concept?  See, while on chemo it's hard for your body to heal.  In any possible way, it's hard to heal.  A paper cut here, a bite of the tongue there.  It all adds up.  I think of people whose lives are changed by a diagnosis in which they must make a drastic change to their lifestyle, overnight and for the rest of their lives.  Like the bubble boy, allergic to everything.  Or those with severe asthma that must keep everthing pristine.  I imagine it, and, as silly as it sounds, am thankful that I just have cancer.  That this is only temporary and I hold onto that.

When I eat, I need to ensure that the food isn't too hot. I already burnt my tongue on the first day of chemo by the first sip of hot soup.  That was 6 weeks ago & it just now feels like it's on the verge of healing.  There have been other, shall we say, mouth incidents.  A few ulcers, or whatever they are inside your mouth, have popped up. You know, those little sores that randomly appear, bother the hell out of you when they're there, and then majically disappear.  Well, imagine that they don't.  So instead of becoming obsessed with them, which is easy to do, I do anything to find a little relief, and sometimes if I'm lucky, a little remedy.   I chew on gum or suck on a throat lozenge whenever possible.  It helps to keep the mouth & throat well lubricated.  When I brush my teeth I have to be extra careful not to brush my gums too hard.  When I floss I have to make sure I don't break any skin.  Then rinsing with mouthwash is extremely painful, especially on my raw tongue but I know it's doing its job of disenfecting.  And in the worse case scenario, I rinse with baking soda, salt & lukewarm water, which is about as nasty as it can get.

When my husband and twins come down with colds, I become obsessed with hand washing, whenever I touch anything, use the bathroom, touch a door handle.  Hand sanitizer becomes my friend. I start to feel like an OCD person who's fearful of germs & can't imagine the life.  It's tiring.  See the slightest illness or fever can send me to the hospital for days, and on the verge of pheumonia.  So I nasal wash the girls at night in the tub, and do it to myself, but not too hard.  I can't pop a vessel.  When I blow my nose, I have to do it gently. 

And now that I'm washing and cleaning my hands every 10 minutes throughout the day, they are extremely dry. So after each cleansing, I must moisterize.  If not, I'll get a small cut here and there, never knowing where exactly it came from.  And when I find it, I have to watch over it carefully until it's fully healed, ensuring that it doesn't become infected.

When I cook I have to be careful during each step.  I idioitically put my hand in the skillet to adjust the bacon, just like I normallly would.  Sounds stupid I know but it never hurt me before. But now, I can feel the heat before my finger touches down and I wake up, as if in a daze, and remind myself I'm on chemo. 

But there are times when I feel daring, as if i say, I've got cancer, how much worse can it get?  Being a New Yorker, one always tempts fate, but when I'm on my uphill, I'm Evil Kinevil.  I race for the subway door and stick my foot in as I stare down the conductor letting her know that I'm only going in one direction.  Or crossing the street, jaywalking really and doing it in front of a cop car.  C'mon, arrest me.  Or especially when I bike, weaving in and out of cars as I make my way crosstown. I know it's wrong, and even stupid. I know that I must be even more careful now then ever before.  But it's at these times that, just for a moment, I feel like I'm my old self.   Before cancer.  Before a label that will forever put me into a category and group that no one could ever possibly wish for.  

So as I go through chemo, I strive to keep life as normal as possible.  If not for me, then for Graham and the girls.  The girls do ask if someone is bringing us dinner on certain nights, and they've learned that it's when mommy has had chemo.  Sophie is asking for me to tell her the story about my boobs less and less.  They don't even think twice about my bald head.  But they know they can't kiss me on the lips anymore, so I'm finding them more and more wanting to kiss my cheeks or even my head.  They've mastered covering themselves when they cough, but still want to jump on mommy at the most inconvenient moments.  How do you say no to a 3 year old's love?  You can't.  And when they're sick, you can't turn your back.  Even if it means you could wind up in the ER.  So I also become obsessed with checking my temperature every 4 hours when the girls are sick, to ensure it doesn't go above 99 degrees.  The docters cringe when I tell them that the girls have been sick, but what do you do?  Not care for your kid?  Not hold her when all she needs is mommy's comfort?  Tell me one mother who wouldn't. 

So the answer is that life on chemo sucks.  You feel achy, exhausted, and sometimes painful.  Nutrition is the key.  Eating the right things - before, during and after chemo.  What's even more ridiculous is by the time I master it, I'll be done, and crossing all fingers, hopefully for good. 

CHEMO TREATMENT 2 OF 6

day1, wed - a bit tired after treatment but I stop by the office anyways for a couple of hours.

day2, thur - I have tons of work to do so I push through & work a full day, at night I'm worn out and am thankful for the dinner brought over by a friend.

day3, fri - still tired, but in order to not fall behind at work I push through one last time. I feel the exhaustion take over & when I get home, I completely pass out.

day4, sat - I can barely move. I bring the girls to a playdate, thankful for friends who will watch over them for 8 hours. I rest & feel better. My eyes are bigger than my stomach and I eat what I want. Not a good idea. That night I puke. I realize I didn't heed any of my nutrition advice that I did the first time around and am now paying the price. At least I now know what I shouldn't do.

day5, sun - I take it easy, on both my body & mind.

Day 6, mon - I feel better & pace myself. Full work day & go straight home.

Day 7, tues - good day, work, visit with best friends & home. Rest as much as possible

Day 8, wed - slow work day, bring the girls to the rehearsal of the Camp Broadway kids for Macys, dinner then trip to Macys to write their letters to Santa.

Day 9, Thanksgiving - good day, but sad that I'm missing out on drinking. I never realized how much I enjoyed  drinking on turkey day until I couldn't. I throw the football around & feel good.

Day 10, fri - start holiday decorating, visit with best friends - LSU FOOTBALL!

Day 11, sat - grocery shopping, playground with the girls, and visit with best friends.

Day 12, sun - relax and clean the house, dinner out with the girls (friends not twins)

Day 13, mon through Day 17, fri - All is as well as can be. Energy good. Appetite good. Work full days, but still pace myself & am able to keep up with the family at night.  I bike to work on Day 16, Thursday, and make it home in 45min! Feeling great!

Day 18, sat - Do as many chores before the holidays as possible! Full on grocery shopping, cook a large batch of red beans and rice to eat and last the week (start eating lots of protein in preparation of treatment #3), clean house.
Day 19, sun - another day of chores!  10 loads of laundry, cook another large meal (meatballs!) to eat and freeze, clean house, organize office, and buy & decorate the christmas tree!  Ready for my downhill to start.

Day 20, mon - good day at work.  The girls' rug for their room comes in so I cook dinner and clean out their room to place it.  Becomes more of a complete sanitizing of their room, and wonder why the hell did I start this at the end of my day!

Day 21, tues - feeling great.  good day at work, good evening with the girls, and their desks come in.  so of course, I'm intent on putting them together before tomorrow's treatment when I'll be out of commission for another 1.5 weeks.  Take my steriods.

LOSING MY HAIR

(warning:  words like pubic and tampons used below)

The first time I went more than three days before I needed to shave my pits? As far as I'm concerned never, until Sunday nov 6. When I went to the oncologist 1.5 weeks after my first treatment of chemo, I had yet to start losing the hair on my head, but I did notice that I hadn't need to shave my pits. And then it wasn't until three days after that until my pubic hairs started falling out. The main reason I noticed was because I had just started my period, which meant I hadn't gone pre-menopausal just yet. But since I had to wear pads, the hairs stuck to it and were coming out in droves. Yes, a downside was that I had to revert back to the seventh grade and wear maxis. See, my body with low white blood cell count would not be able to fiend off TSS at any level from the mere use of tampons. So even though there was the perk of of the carpet eventually matching the drapes and some sense of my sexuality intact, I had to walk around as if I were still in junior high. postive = 2, negative 1

Then my hair on my head started falling out before the hair on my legs so life wasn't going along all that perfectly.  I was taking my morning shower, and started to enjoy what I knew would be the last hair wash for a very long time.  Each strand of hair was no longer than 3" but the drain looked as it were down my back.  I took a deep breath and held back the tears.  I needed my hair to stay on through the night at least for the opening of the festival.  So I used the last of the rationed hair gel and stuck my hair to my scalp for as long as possible.  

I got through the day, holding myself back from running my fingers through my hair. Instead, I became obsessed with patting it down.  And the times I couldn't help myself, I pulled more and more out.  The festival opened, and the hair stayed on all night long.  But when I got home, I couldn't hold back anymore.  I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and began running my fingers through my hair.  And it came out.  Not in clumps but in fingers full. I had to stop.  I needed to go one more day before I could shave it.  Sunday morning was the only time Graham and the rest of us would be together for the next four days, and I knew it wouldn't last that long.  

I got the girls home on Saturday and started talking to them.  We were in the bathroom on the potty, and I said, "Do you wanna pull some of mommy's hair out?" and they eagerly replied yes.  Fortunately I've raised girls who aren't queasy and turns out, a little bit masochistic. We brought in a trash can, and they began the process.  I had to stop them before they pulled it all out.  My scalp was a little sore.  Then for the next 3 hours they couldn't help but continuously ask, "Can we shave your head now?" "Can I pull more hair out?" Not till tomorrow I replied, but behind closed doors I have to stop myself.

The last night with my hair was pretty gross. As I rolled over in the night I could feel strands sticking to my pillow. At one time during the night, I had to collect it up in a hairball pile and discard, wishing I had kept a lint brush by my side.  Sunday morning I woke up anticipating the shave, only to be sidetracked by Penelope getting stuck in the underside of the glider's ottoman. So stuck, in fact, that after removing 3 screws and 4 hex screws, we had result to the jigsaw. Unfortunately I couldnt locate my flip cam, and we missed the kodak moment in order for to keep her cool which she was soon on the verge of losing. Leave it to a 3 year old to steal my thunder. 

After Elizabeth and Scotte arrived, we started.  It took a while as it was still thick, but also because I let Penelope and Sophia give it a try for a while.  Boy did they get a kick out of it.  Scotte cleaned me up, Elizabeth filmed. 

And all I can say is it's damn cold with a bald head.  Going to work I knew it'd be ok, even picking my girls from preschool. But when I promised a childhood friend visiting from home that I'd join her at her press junket for the guiness world records (for the world's largest afro, go AEVIN JUDE DUGAS!) I hesitated all day long, trying to come up with excuses. But Scotte promised to come over & watch the girls so I could go. I internally hemmed & hawwed and finally gave in. I put on a nice top, snazzy jacket, a wrap scarf to keep my neck warm & new hat from Becca to cover my head & ears. I got there & Aevin was in her prime. We chatted and I secretly show her my head  and then convinces me to leave my hat off.  It was itching like crazy and it started to get warm inside the lounge. I had never thought I would be self-conscious about it, but I have to admit I was. Then I thought: 1, it's New York. 2, I never cared what others thought before. 3, if there's any place to look out of place, it's the guiness world record press junket. (No offense Aevin but have you seen the party you've joined? The slide show scrolled through werewolf girl, the guy who can spit milk through his eyeball, a contortionist and more.) If there was any place for me to break in my head, it was there.

Went through several meetings today with no hat, and I'm pretty ok with it.  I'll use my wig on special occasions but for the most part I think I'm ok with being bald.  It's winter.  I don't want to have to worry about wearing snow hats over my wig. 

What else?  met with the plastic surgeon today.  Turns out my left tissue extender is sliding a bit, but will be resolved when we do the exchange. 

and tomorrow it starts all over again.

much love to you all.
Laurie

CHEMO TREATMENT 1 OF 6

(updated this to include all 21 days, if you've read before skip down to day 11)

Day 1, wed - It was a long day, 8 hours at the hospital - vitals checked, check in with the Oncologist.  Then because I wasn't prescribed steriods to take the day before, my chemo intake took several hours longer.  I felt pretty good though, no pain or nausea.  Ate lunch during chemo and then dinner that night.  I took a Tylenol 3 for a slight headache that came on and then took one anti-nausea pill just in case.  Felt tired, but thought that it was more due to the long day and not because of chemo.

Day 2, thu - I took my time getting ready for work. I could feel a slowness of energy. I worked from 9am-5pm. By the time I got home, I was wiped out. No nausea, just a bit of an achiness. My in-laws had picked the girls up from dance class & beat me home. Cheryl was in the middle of chopping vegetables for stir fry. I helped, added to the mix, cooked the rest of the meal, sat down, and ate way too much. My system just couldn't digest it. It sat there. Reminded me of when I was pregnant and Penelope was sitting on my stomach and Sophia was pushing up on my esophagal tract. I decided at this time I needed to start the 4-5 small meals. Once I finished eating, I went to bed and just laid in a lathargic state. I slept well though.  I drank lots of water throughout the day.  Lemon water truly cuts out the metallic flavor in my mouth immediately and soon becomes my best friend.

Day 3, fri - I woke up feeling good, still a bit tired but able to move around. Another side effect started, but minimal. Soreness at the bottom of my feet, like i had walked several miles. Not unbearable, but I knew what it was from. Went to work, was extremely slow & tired.  Left at 4pm and went straight to bed. Graham picked the girls up from pre-school and I joined them in the living room. I laid on the couch watching my family from afar, as if I was an outsider. The girls seemed as if they had grown inches in the past several days, like I had been away for months and missed a significant part of their lives. I start to realize what I could be left out of throughout all of this & vow to stay in the present as best I can. I had a little of the Pesto Fussili Pasta with Sundried Tomatoes and Chicken - still have my appetite.  Then, went straight to bed.

Day 4, sat - Graham is loading in a show all day, but I had already scheduled the girls to be away at a friend's house till the early evening. Rich & Kim pick up the girls (dressed in their fairy princess costumes) on their way to a halloween party. When they leave I break down. I'm missing things already. But there's no way I can go. There's a freak snowstorm coming & I decide to take the opportunity to simply lie in bed & do nothing, all day long. Graham comes home and makes burritos, but I add my seasonings when necessary.  Again, I watch from afar, and eat a small burrito later on (it tasted great!)  Graham takes care of the girls' bath and bedtime while I lay comatose in bed.

Day 5, sun - I wake up and feel like a brand new person.  I make blueberry pancakes for the family, start to feel slightly sluggish so I slow down.  We enjoy a nice breakfast together, and then prepare to go grocery shopping, which is never an easy feat even sans chemo.  But we do it, even though Graham pushes the cart up 2 of the 3 hills.  Then he leaves for work, and the girls and I enjoy a light lunch.  We all nap at the same time, and then we enjoy movie Sunday.  I defrost gumbo for dinner and we enjoy a quiet evening.

Day 6, mon - I'm feeling better.  It's Halloween after all.  I prepare the girls' costumes for preschool and we head out.  On the way back to the subway after I drop them off,  I started feeling another side effect - itchiness on the palm of my right hand and then the whole thing starts to tingle.  I massage with some aveeno lotion and it all subsides.  I take it slow at work and leave a little early to meet up with the girls and in-laws at a preschool party before we head out to go trick or treating. It was a grand time, after one kid calmed down from a tantrum! We go home to find jambalaya made by daddy!  I hold off on eating for a while.  I bathe the girls and get to bed early.

Day 7, tues - It's a beautiful day so I test my limits and bike to work.  I don't push myself but take it slow.  I takes me twice as long to do it.  I discover at the office that my lemon juice bottle opened up all over the dress I was doing to change into, so I stay in my biking outfit all day - attractive.  I'm worn out but not exhausted and start to feel good.  I get through the day and leave early for the long ride home.  I arrive completely worn out, but feeling great.  The first time I think that I can get through this.  I prepared myself by asking friends and family to handle dinner and it's a true blessing.  I can work, which I have to in order to keep up with the bills and my brain, and take care of the girls.

Day 8, wed - A full week later and I'm getting into the swing of it, if that's possible.  Good energy in the morning.  4-5 meals throughout the day.  Constant lemon water at my side.  Pick up the girls, get home in time for a yummy chicken stew from the Hodge/Kefgen family.  Graham's working, so I feed the girls, bathe them, get them into bed, and crash.

Day 9, thu - Check up with Doctor says so far so good.  Check in at work, so far so good.  Pick up the girls from Wayne's house, bring them home for snack.  Then off to dance class, where I can sit for an hour and not do anything (except reply to emails).  We head home in time for dinner by Melissa.  Graham comes home early, so we eat.  I bathe the girls, get them into bed, and crash.

Day 10, fri - Again, great energy in the morning, but maybe because I decided to sleep in.  I work from 9:30am-4:30pm.  I pick the girls up from pre-school, and get home to rest a little.  Dinner by Jennifer, a mom in the area I always wanted to spend more time with, but never over my kitchen counter talking cancer.  (we need a night out together girl!)  Graham's working, so I feed the girls, bathe them, get them into bed, and crash.

Day 11, sat - FEEL GREAT THIS MORNING!  I make fresh blueberry pancakes.  We all decide that it's pajama day and lounge around and do absolutely nothing.  Good to hear laughter all day long.  Dinner by Stephanie & Casey is yummy!  But I crash early.  Graham handles bath and bed while I lay lathargic on the couch and wait for the LSUvsAlabama game to start!  GEAUX TIGERS! 

Day 12, sunday - GOOD DAY!  store, laundry, playground, football

Day 13, monday - load in at the theatre. Feel fine.

Day 14, tuesday - day 1 of 3 in teching 21 shows. Three 14 hour days in a row. The girls spend the next 4 days at their grandparents so Graham & I can rock this out. I run around the theatre as if all is normal. I forget that I have cancer and am going through chemo. It's not until after midnight until my body starts to remind me.

Day 15, wednesday - pushed myself too hard yesterday & am feeling it today. I mostly sit & have things brought to me.

Day 16, thursday - am exhausted from working three 14 hour days in a row, but it'll be worth it.

Day 17, friday - opening of the festival, and hair is really starting to fall out. I seal it to my scalp with the last of my gel, and have a great final night out with a head of hair in a long time. Unfortunately, sangrias teased me all night long.

Day 18, saturday - slow morning, recouping from a long week. But excited to see the girls, how I miss them so. When we get home I let them start to pull my hair out, and I have to stop them before they take it all! Little masochists.

Day 19, sunday - shave my head, energy & appetite are great. So even though I officially look like a cancer patient, i dont feel like one.

Day 20, monday - first day at work with the shaved head. Man, it's cold. Energy is great, appetite is great. All to just soon start over again.

Day 21, tuesday - hosted a new show at our office, and had them courted around town - all with my bald head.  In the middle of the day, I went to my appointment at the plastic surgeon's to check up on my breasts.  Inserted a bit more saline, as he confirmed that there would be some reduction when the implants are inserted.  We talk about making the desicion of doing the exchange operation before or after radiation.  More to think about.  He also confirmed that my left tissue extender is sliding a bit to the left, but that it can be corrected in the exchange surgery. 

and then we start all over again.

Chemo Started and I'm Fine.....physically

I arrived at 10am, got vitals checked, meet with oncologist's assistant who at this point has too much joy in her voice, so much I'm ready to throw her out the window. She didn't even read my chart before coming in. She said I was getting one form of chemo when I had to correct her.

Then Dr. Goel came in and asked if I took my steroids. I said that I had never been given any. She looked confused and Graham, my advocate, was there to back me up. See, at least in my case, you're supposed to take a steroid pill morning & night the day before, they give you your morning dosage morning of, you take the pill night of, and the again morning & night day after. It's to relieve the major side effect of water retention from one of the chemo drugs. I looked at her & nearly flipped my shit. I said that I couldn't walk out of there without starting chemo, I had the whole day off, and that she needed to figure out a solution.

So, I took double dosage of steroids over double the amount of time (2 hours). Then took pills for anti-nausia, and pepcid (relieves the lining of the bowel system). Then chemo started. The first was the one to react with the steroid. Instead of one hour, we lengthened the time to 1hr & 45min. Any side effects, I'd feel there at the hospital. None to be had. So far so good. The second chemo drug was an injection into my IV, 100ccs (2 large viles). Took some time because my veins weren't cooperating. The third took a little over an hour.

Over all the day lasted almost 8 hours. Won't be that long next time, but was a bit tiring. I mean, I like to lay in a recliner, but I was on the verge of going batty. I had my iPad & laptop for work, but there was only so much I could do before I started to tire out. Graham brought me lunch, woohoo you can eat through chemo! Becca came by & dropped off water & ginger/lemon tea (yum!). Amber came & relieved graham when he needed to leave for class. I slept for about 2 hours (apparently she left for a Starbucks run & I had no idea).

So far, just tired. No pain or nausea. Side effects usually don't start until several days afterwards, and then the Nadir time (1/2 way through treatment) is the hardest because your white blood cells are at their lowest. The nurse practioners did say that if iI could keep up some exercise, it'd help my system bounce back faster. Can everyone say bike ride to work!

And mentally, in a bit of a funk, but i know it's understandable. Having family, friends & work get me through. So thank you all for your support. Now, going back to sleep.

Love you all.
Laurie

DAY BEFORE CHEMO

Well, the next phase is nearly here.

Chemo starts tomorrow, and I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I mean, how do you prepare for this? I'm tired of making lists. I'm tired of planning (never thought I'd say that, right?) so I'm hoping this feeling is just another phase. I want it to just be done and over with, but I know it will be one of those things that will seem like it's forever in the moment. But when it's over it'll be as if it were just a blink of an eye. I hold on to that - this too shall pass.

So what do I do? I throw a party! A pre-chemo party, a pseudo birthday party for Graham, a last hoorah for the girls. Full of close friends & playgroup families. Kids were held in the back rooms (under supervision, of course) while the adults actually had some fun. Thank you to all who came!  Kinda like my own little mardi gras.  (FYI, fridge is full of beer and bar is full of wine, so when you visit, it'll be guaranteed good times.)

For today, I go to work, like any ordinary day. Get as much done as possible. It does feel a bit like 'dead woman walking'. I mean, I know I'm not gonna die, but there is a sort of 'last rights' feeling before I embark on this next, shall we call it journey? Of the unknown, really. Because who knows how I'll feel, react, look like. And yes, scared. But I do my best to stay out of that part of my head. I do breakdown at times, but I try to only let it last for a moment, afraid that if I cry for too long that it'll be harder for me to bounce back and stand up straight again.

And I can't say enough about the support and love and prayers. Throughout life you know that you've made friends along the way, but iI've never truly known the love that can exist until now. I mean, I thought I did when I met & fell in love with graham, and then when I had the girls. But this, this is different. No words can express my gratitude and appreciation, and yes, love. I know it will carry me through. So thank you.

I'm taking tomorrow off, more for my mental health than anything. And then we'll see how my body reacts.  The next waiting game.  Ah, wait and see.  I think I will have to create a posting of all the bullshit sayings that run through my head, and sorry for my sarcasm, but I'm in a 'who gives a shit' mode right now.  So yes, wait and see, this too shall pass, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  BULLSHIT SAYINGS.  How about 'suck it up'.  'better you than me' ...........ok, I'll stop before I offend anyone.

Love you all.

USA Today Article

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/breastcancer/story/2011-10-16/Double-mastectomy-A-cancer-survivors-story/50796360/1

Oncology & Work

Well, it's Friday.......4 days since I've met with the Medical Oncologist. It's taken so long to post because it was also the first day I went back to work!

It was the day we've been anticipating ever since this whirlwind started, finding out what this chemo, and now radiation, plan will be. Dr. Anu Goel, a beautiful young Indian woman, is revered by both my breast surgeon & plastic surgeon so I knew I'd be in good hands. After she went through my history - how I found the lump, all of the tests and results - she asked, 'So tell me what you think will happen next.' My heart skipped a beat, a knot in my throat and I stopped. My first breakdown in front of a doctor. She assured me it was ok, that she needed to understand what I thought and knew about the process. I said that I knew I needed chemo because of the cancer found in my lymph nodes, and then the radiation because of its agressiveness, and that all in all I thought it would be about 6 months. She then said something that was spoken to me for the first time by a doctor. "We're here to cure you." A weight like no other was lifted.

We went through the different types of chemo 'plans,' like it was a cruise line option - 4 day/3 night cruise or a 7 day/6 night cruise. Seriously. There's the AC-T option that's every 2 weeks for 4 months, the TAC every 3 weeks for 4 months, or the research option in which the computer randomly puts you into either the first option or TAC for 2 months then weekly for the following 2-3 months. All side effects the same - same nausea, same numbness, same hair loss, same mouth sores. The latter option in the research is believed to have lesser side effects, but it's a gamble as to whether you'd be chosen. Even though I'm a supporter of modern medicine & a believer in research, I'm being, I'll say it, a bit selfish. It's my life, my kids' lives, my husband's life, and all of my supporters' lives. I don't want anymore gambles. After talking it over with Graham, we chose the TAC option.

So, starting 10/26 (I made that the start date so that I could still make my plans to return home to Louisiana for the holidays without a chemo interruption), I'll go in every 3 weeks for 4-5 hours. Then the next day for an injection to boost my white blood cell count. This will run me to the first week of February, and then I'll start the radiation. She mentioned how there's internet so I can bring a laptop and still work while I got the IV injections. (Was something mentioned in my medical reports that I don't know about?)

Then there's the reminder to always have your advocate present. And in my case, it's Graham. He talks through concerns or questions that aways slip my mind. Nausea medicines, cold cap questions, how it will all affect me.

The cold cap, still being researched, is an actual cap that you put on your head the day before, of and after your chemo. It lowers your body temperature to about 70 degrees, and is thought to freeze your hair follicles enough so that you dont have any hair loss. Some people swear by it. But after all of my research & talking to specialists, if there's any microscopic cancer cells floating around, even in my brain, why would I want to do anything to prevent their death. Plus, I can't imagine wearing that during the coldest of New York's seasons. AND I have a sassy new wig. So no cold cap. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it all the way. And plus, it's my only chance to see what I'd look like bald!

As for the nausea, she asked if I had nausea during my pregnancy. Graham laughed and said, "She didn't have a normal pregnancy, even with twins." (For those of you who don't know or remember.....no nausea, no cravings, gained a total of 26 pounds, went to 37 weeks and worked until the day before. So in the end, what's a little chemo, right?) I said to her that as long as I didn't have any nausea, I'd be able to eat. But the slightest nausea, I knew I wouldn't put one bread crumb into my mouth. So, she prescribed 3 separate medications. One she said was going to be expensive, but if I have extreme nausea, it'll work. (It damn well better be worth the one time usage of over $350 after insurance! The other two costs $55 after insurance. Ugh, our health care system!)

Anything else? She said that I would be at about 70% of my energy. Graham laughed again, and said that it's still twice as much as normal people. And then she looked at him, and said that he'll have to pick up the pieces. That I'll be tired, may not be able to cook, will need to lie down a lot, will be moody and that he'll have to look after the kids. We both laughed. Besides the cooking, Graham already does everything. That's how amazing HE is! He'd normally shrug all of this off, but without my cooking he knows that that's what we'll be asking for from our local supporters. Who, from now on, I'll call the Brown Brigade. (still not a pink person) And then she mentions the sterilization. The fact that this may throw me into pre-menopause, and may not be able to conceive again. We have two beautiful girls. We always wanted one more, but if it didn't happen, there's plenty of babies that need homes. We'll deal with that when it comes.

And for work? How could I not? I'm fine physically, except for a little soreness on my right side that I just need to work out. I get a bit tired, but then I just stop and slow down. I have a desk job, it's not like I move boxes for a living (although I have been known to move a 5 drawer filing cabinet on my own). So it's been good to keep my mind busy. And plus, we need the income. It's reality. I can't just stop because of a little cancer. And as soon as the rain stops - I'm biking to work. My lower body works fine, the upper body needs the work. I'll only do it on the 2 days a week I don't pick up the girls from pre-school.

As for my new tatas, they've been healing nicely. The underlying scars itch a bit, and the intersection where the single stitches were still have some healing to do. I'll get one more 1/2 injection in order to stretch them a bit more, but in the end, a small C? I think? What do I know about anything lower than a DD! I mean the last time I think I was a C was what, 8th Grade? My right breast still has a bit fluid in it, that we've been aspirating weekly. But the doctor says that if it's not gone by Tuesday that I'll need a small catheter to take care of it before the chemo start. So, I've been pressing, squeezing, inserting gauze inside my sports bras, in order to get the skin to seal to the tissue. It's been morphing my breast a bit, but he says that it'll go back to a normal shape. Just make it so that fluid has nowhere to fill.

So if you see me walking around New York with hand pressed against my right breast, you'll know the reason.

Now for you? It's been a month since I last asked. Have you done your self-exam? Be familiar with and know your body. Don't be afraid to asks questions to your doctor, no matter how silly you think they are.

There's more on my mind, but my subway ride is coming to an end.

All my love,
Laurie

Pathology Reports

Well, another week of waiting. I meet with the Oncologist next Monday to figure out the path of chemo.


But today found out the pathology reports. Turns out cancer was in all four quadrants of my right breast, not just in the upper quadrant. The grading of the tumors totaled 8 out of 9, which means it's stage 3 and very aggressive. The tumors ranged in size of .3 cm to 2.5 cm, the largest of which is what I most likely felt. And understandable as to why we (me and my gyn) didn't feel anything three months earlier. So, go ahead and measure what's 2.5 cm. Pretty tiny, right?

They removed 24 lymph nodes, 8 of which came back positive for cancer. I was on the edge of freaking, but she assured me that it was a good thing. The lymph nodes go through your entire body and only a third in that area were cancerous, so with the results of a clear PetCT scan, it's a good thing.

Also, confirmed that there was absolutely no cancer in the left breast. So even though it's aggressive, we caught it at the earliest possible time.

But because of the stage 3 and lymph nodes, I'll go through both chemo and radiation. And since I won't see her again until 6 months, my guess is that's the estimate of time I'll be on chemo. But 6 months can fly by right?

Whew, doing well though. Was preparing for this. Wish I'd know more about the chemo, but all in due time. Recovering nicely, the right arm/side is still, and will problematic (most likely for the next year or two).

Did a little fashion show with my current wardrobe. Good news is that I was so much in denial about my DDs that I stuffed them into outfits I most likely shouldn't have, that everything fits better than ever before. Bad news? I DON'T GET A NEW WARDROBE!

NO TUMMY TUCK?
NO NEW WARDROBE?

Chemo better put me on a weight loss program and not have me be the 1 in 100 that gain weight. Seriously. Somethime good MUST come out of this. You know, besides my nice, new perky tatas and actually surviving it. Ok, I understand what I just wrote. Don't judge.

And the meals? Thanks go out especially to Amber Ford, Becca Ayers, Scotte Hardin, Jen Conley, Margaux Laskey, Chris & Lydia Kindred, Katie Nicholson, Mara McEwin, Melissa Caolo, Erin & Tim Butterfield, Chelley Conales, Hillary Reeves, Carol Anderson and Lisa Jaeger. You've no idea how much we've all appreciated it, and how big of help it was to me and my family. And to my mom who came up to help me recover.

anyone up for another 6 months of this?

Surgery & Recovery

It's been total of 5 days since my surgery and it's crazy to think that it hasn't been longer. Becca, Amber and then Graham's parents took care of the girls until yesterday which was a huge relief. We left for the hospital Thursday morning, I, along with all of the other cattle called surgeries corralled into the elevators to the same floor to prep for our various operations at 6am. I was too freaked out by that that we went up in our own elevator.

We waited til they called my name, then I went back to, once again, answer all of the normal questions - allergic to anything, heart problems, asthma, anesthesia affects, etc. Then I dressed into a paper gown, NOTHING underneath, and Graham was allowed to come and wait with me. Dr. Samsun, my plastic surgeon, came in to 'mark me up', you know those stereotypical shots of a surgeon marking a tummy tuck/thigh lift patient. He was very sincere, talking me through the entire operation step by step, one last time. He allowed me one last glance before he covered me up and i walked right into the OR. I kissed Graham, who returned to the waiting room and would stay there for 5-6 hours.

As I entered the OR, the staff and anesthesiologist were giving crap to my Breast Surgeon for 'being late' once again. I knew she was dressing, knew there was no reason for her to wait around for the hour of prep. So, as I literally jumped up onto the operating table, I told them to get this thing started, that I didn't need to see her before the surgery to know she was going to do it. (The next morning she came to see me and laughed at all that I told her. I don't remember a thing, even seeing her, but apparently, I told her, in front of all in the OR, how none of them appreciated her masterful work, and that she deserved to show up for her operations when she was good and ready. I guess you don't talk crap in front of a patient who adores her doctor that happens to be the chief of surgery. Again, no memory of any of this.)

I came to, somewhat around 7pm. They moved me into a shared room, I remember moving myself, with some assistance into my own bed, given my drip meds button, and Graham sitting there patiently. I tried to keep water and bread down, but threw it all up. I remember one of the doctor assistants coming in to check on me and to look at the stitches, so with my assistance we unvelcroed the backwards bra and I could barely see any stitches. By the look on Graham's face, he was more than pleased! Grant it, these are just the tissue extenders, and there is still some swelling.

He had to leave around 10pm. The nurse then said if I couldn't pee in the bed pan, that I'd have to have a straight catheder (sp?). I tried, man, did I try. But I remembered how painless the catheder was during my c-section, I decided not to stress. Thirty minutes later she came in, and in went the pee plug. No pain actually, a little pressure, but effortless urination. That night I was up and down. Pressing the pain button, dealing with a neurotic suite mate, being woken to check vitals. But all in all, I could move around. I was sore, but could move.

The plastic surgeon came at 7am (whom I was now dubbing as Doctor Picasso), and said that all looked great and the surgery went amazingly well. The chest soreness is because they actually lift the pectoral muscle and place the top part of the tissue extender underneath, then take the lower part of what would be the discarded skin/tissue and fold it in to use it as a pocket to hold the underside of the tissue extender. Then he folds over the top tissue. The scarring is like an upside down T - 1/2 moon under the breast, and small vertical where the center of the new breast will be, minus any areola and nipple (to be constructed and tattooed on later when I get the implants inserted). He said that if I could get off of the drip meds and be ok on the oral meds, I'd be able to go home, where I knew I'd get more rest.

So that was my goal. I called the nurse to add anti-nausea meds to my drips. The drip meds were causing me to vomit anything I put into my system. If I couldn't keep anything down, they wouldn't let me go home. Then I insisted on help walking to the bathroom. I knew I wouldn't be able to pee in a bedpan no matter what, so slowly but surely walked, scooted, snail trailed my way to the toilet where I peed. YAY! One down!!!! With the anti-nausea, I was able to keep down the bread and water, so I had to be adament about them removing the drip meds and giving me percocet. (The one doc was trying to convince me that vicodine & Tylenol 3 were the same as percocet, but I'm no fool. For my C-section, percocet was what allowed me to get up and walk almost miles a week afterwards.) My breast surgeon came in and confirmed the percocet, and then also prescribed valium for the muscle soreness. She then admitted that they removed more lymph nodes than what she was planning because she immediately saw the cancer presence, but that we knew it was there and were already planning for the chemo. Now, we just have a better way of analyzing the treatment process.

So by noon - I held down red pepper ravioli, vegetable medley, orange juice, hot tea, wheat bread and a chocolate twinkie. Aw yeah. So then I just needed to learn how to empty my drainage tubes. Very cyborg, and honestly the most painful part. I have 2 coming out of the my right and one coming out of my left. I have to empty them each night and keep the measurements for the doctors' office. The fluid is like that that builds up when you have a sprained ankle, or swollen limb. Because they don't want the fluid to have the possibility of causing infection, they want it to be drained out of the body.

I got home Friday afternoon. Ordered Trufa pasta - fussili pesto chicken with sundried tomatoes. Took my meds, and then passed out. Saturday, I had my best friends here to just sit with me. I do try to be a good patient, but I can wipe my own ass. I mean, I'm gonna be reasonable. And then food started to be delivered, which I never thought what a godsent that would be but thank you all. Sunday, my mom arrived, and knows me best, and knows me so well that lets me boss her around when I need to.

The girls came home yesterday afternoon. They know to be gentle with mommy. It's a little harder for Penelope than Sophia, but we'll take it one day at a time. They'll be busy with pre-school and tap/ballet class during the week, so it's jus the time at home. I was able to take a full shower tonight, thanks to my mom, buying me a shower mastectomy shirt - you've no idea the paraphenalia they have. But I've made the decision to remove the torture backwards bra that squeezes you all in, mostly to help push out all of those fluids. They were just bothering my stiches where the tubes insert into my body, and at any other time I've had stitches that started to irritate me, I've removed them myself. But this time, I think it's best to just put it all on ice and let the doc do it tomorrow.

It's really all about keeping up with the meds. Perkocet & Antibiotic every 4 hours, Valium every 6 hours, Tamoxifen once a day. And then there's the stool softener which I took immediately 3 times a day, and am proud to say that I had my first bowel movement yesterday. Boy howdy, I'd have them cut off a 3rd breast to never feel that again.
So now, it's been about 30 minutes and the meds are soaking in. I do thank all of you for your well wishes. I know this was a bit easier for me, mentally, because I always knew that I'd have a breast reduction at some point in my life, just not like this. So the actual removal of the breast wasn't as traumatic for me as I think some people thought. I'm actually looking forward to probably fitting into to my clothes better than I ever did before, and then to go bra shopping all over again. And for Graham? I mean, what man can say that he has one woman in his life, that can go through a variety of breast sizes before she chooses which one she likes.

Then again, this is the easiest part. I get the tubes out tomorrow, then the following Monday, get all of the pathology reports back about - the stage of cancer, start of chemo, type of chemo, length of chemo, and all of the next step.

in good news? I'M NEGATIVE FOR THE CANCER GENE! So all in all, this was just a total fluke, and caught early because I did a self-exam. Life is a bitch. But then again, this same life as brought me so much joy, laughter and love. I wouldn't exchange it for anything else. Just another challenge.

much love to you all.
Laurie

Cancer Gene Testing

Time is definitely flying, especially as my to-do list continues to grow (at least my tumors aren't! .....Not funny? K, I'll try better next time.)

So genetic testing...what is this, right? Before I begin, please know this is all from my memory & notes that I took, so don't take this as factual data from the doctor's mouth. Simply use it as information to lead you on a path of your own curiousity & discovery.

When you're asked your family medical history from a doctor, nurse, etc, do you really know it? I say this because I had always assumed who had certain diseases & illnesses in my family, or what was passed onto me. I knew there was cancer but never to the extent that I found out. To prepare for it, I had to research my medical family tree back to my grandparents' siblings - age of death, if they had cancer (if so, what age, type, treatment), cause of death.

This means my siblings, my parents' siblings & their kids, and my grandparents' siblings, and then if there's anyone else (like any of my grandparents' nieces/nephews).

Honestly, I knew some of my Mom's side, but basically little to none from my Dad's, and apparently this is very common (read further) except in the cases in which you grow up with and around your father's family. If not, it's a goose chase. So I left this to my parents. I knew they wanted to do something for me from afar, and boy was this helpful, for them too I'm sure.

Now to the meeting. Know that we all have potential cancer cells in our bodies, it just depends on what makes them mutate - heredity, environment, or plain dumb luck. This means that all cancer is genetic, but not necessarily hereditary. 80% of cancer is random, and 20% of cancer is familial. If I am positive for the cancer gene (which includes pancreatic & colon as well as breast & ovarian), it means it was passed onto me by one or both of my parents. My twins would get checked when they turn 21. And it would take my parents (or my first cousins) to get tested to determine which side of the family it came from (read further for insurance).

As Dr. Ott drew the tree, it became more & more apparent that it's both sides of my family that have the potential to carry the gene. However as it started to appear as if it came from my Dad's side, she said all of the men dying at a certain age on my maternal grandmother's side was curious to her. Meaning, that even though her 3 brothers died of various causes in their mid 70's, they could have very well have had some type of pancreatic or colon cancer (since there was a sister that had breast and one that has colon) and didn't know it or test for it. Depending on the man's age, where he's from, etc there's less & less known until recently - 20 years ago. Anything before that should only be taken with a grain of salt. And she was more impressed that I in fact had as much info on my Dad's side since men don't normally keep track of this, again until recently. So thank you Great Aunt Joann & Dad's first cousin (who reconnected with him after Katrina).

And prevention? Birth control for more than 5 years. Check. Having kids. Check. Breastfeeding. Check. (I forget the percentages of the reduced risks for these.) So what else to do but self-exam? Having a double mastectomy reduces your chance getting breast cancer by 95%. Almost check (one week to go!). Having a complete hystorectomy (complete removal of uterus & ovaries) reduces breast cancer by 50% & ovarian cancer by 96%. Not checking this one
off anytime soon.

So I find out in a couple of weeks. Results could come back in 4 different ways: positive, a false negative, true negative or uncertain. Because of my diagnosis & the high cancer rate in my family history, my insurance will cover it. If it's positive, my sisters and cousins' insurances would most likely cover their own testing (and because of my diagnosis at such an early age) should they want to know. If it comes back with a false negative or uncertain, there's a 2nd testing that could be done, but insurance most likely wouldn't cover. And honestly, I probably wouldn't do it. Most women wait until they receive the results to make the decision for a double mastectomy (or medically called bilateral mastectomy), but with my history & being so young, I didn't want to take any chances of having to go through this again in my life.

Why should people know if they have the cancer gene, I've been asked. I feel that it's better to be aware. You could always be that one to have just dumb luck, like I might be. But even Dr. Ott said they still don't know why or how it happens sometimes, even with tons of family history, and still come out negative. And should anyone be positive, maybe it's that MRI or mamogram that your insurance would then cover before you turn 50 (when it's normally first covered by insurance) that saves your life. Or that colonoscopy in your 30's that shows a tiny spot. Or even make your own choice for surgery to reduce your own chances.

But then if it's negative, I still found mine by self-exam & being aware. Dumb luck. And by reading all of these notes, I know it comes across as if I'm uber-positive. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying. Getting sized for a wig today & my hair chopped off tomorrow to be used for the wig = very freeing. But I do have waves of moments, and more now as it's getting closer. I wrote the first Note to simply be in control (go figure) of how people found out. But as I continue to write, know that it's helping me as much as you each tell me it's helping you. So, with that....much more to come.

All my love,
Laurie

A Date is Set ....

Sorry that it seems like I've left some of you in the dark. Just needed some time to process it all.

First, the thoracic and lumbar MRI's of my spine just show stressed. DUH! But good news is no more cancer in my body than what they've already found.

Second, I met with my plastic surgeon. Dr. Samsun, whom Graham loves because he has a scar on his face. Apparently, a plastic surgeon who likes imperfection on his own body is a plus for the G-man. I like him because he was amazing in our consult. The bummer is that I won't be having the surgery I was hoping for, but the good news is that that the recovery time will be much shorter and I can start chemo much sooner. So no tummy tuck for LBK. DAMN!

Basically, Dr. Samsun told me that I didn't have enough to work with in my stomach or inner thighs to give me anywhere close to 50% of what I have now. I know, he was basically telling my that I'm on the skinny side. While he was trying to give me a compliment I wanted to punch him the face and give him another scar. But, I didn't. I continued to listen. Apparently, he's done this before, and there have been women, just like me - big breasted, cancer, mastectomy, turned off of the idea of 'implants', opting for tissue transfer, not being satisfied with what the doctors could do, and come back years later to opt for the implant. The tissue transfer surgery lasts 12 hours, minimum of 4 nights in the hospital, and at least 5 weeks to recover. Very invasive, scarring from hip to hip, and painful recovery. The implant surgery - 4 hours long, 2 nights in the hospital and 2 weeks of recovery. They'd put in tissue extenders (TEs) that are full of saline, and I'd most likely have to go in to his office twice to have them inject more saline in order for the tissue and skin to stretch to the size I want. I'd return after chemo for them to put the implant in - out patient, one day surgery, 2 days recovery.

So while I'm pissed that I can't have what I was hoping for, I'm being realistic that the implants are what I should do. I'd be able to have control over what I get, which I like (since I've never had control over these things before, and in more ways than several!, and I can heal much faster to start fighting this bitch inside of me. Dr. Samsun also tells us that he has a hybrid that he's done for larger breast women, in which he takes the excess tissue & skin that is normally discarded and uses it as a 'pocket' almost to hold in the implant and makes it feel much more normal than a regular implant, with your own tissue and skin double supporting it. He drew everything out on the table butcher paper (that crap I always hate sitting on at a drs' office). Showed us where the scarring would be, and showed us pictures of other women's surgeries - before and after - so that I could have a better idea.

I went home, discussed it with Graham, and called them the next day. I go in for my flu shot on thursday since I can't get sick at all throughout the fall, get tested for the Cancer gene on Friday. My pre-op with Dr. Samsun is on 9/13, then I'll meet with Dr. Estabrook, my breast surgeon to discuss the mastectomy and chemo treatment, then to the hospital to start blood work. The surgery is scheduled for 9/22, 7:30am.

I've been making my lists of everything that I need to do between now and then. Know that I still feel perfectly healthy. Still am biking to work, moving massive furniture as we renovated our office (LOOKS BEAUTIFUL!), grocery shopping, schlepping the food up our 3 hills. If it weren't for the cancer in my tata, I'd think I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life.

But I thank each of you. For your kind words, for your encouraging spirits, for your rays of hope, and for the time that it's taken you to write to me in support. I know that those in NY will be helping out more than I could have ever imagined, and those far away wish that you could. It's all appreciated more than you know.

All My Love,
Laurie

PS - I did ask Dr. Samsun about the option to gain an extra 20 pounds to give him more to work with. But he said that stomach cells would stay stomach cells. Just because they got transferred to my breast, wouldn't automatically make them convert. If I lost weight, I'd lose the weight where I gained it, which would then be my boobs. WEIRD! Blasted science hasn't caught up with my dietary needs!

Scans & Results

First of all, I thank each of you for your support, prayers & words of encouragement.

Yesterday was another 'event', and why shouldn't it be? No day is ever dull for me. I've worked with killer whales, chinese ambassadors, Broadway shows and farms for pete's sake!

So MRI's? Why the loud banging? The melodic combination of car alarms, machine guns & nuclear bomb alarms for 1/2 an hour. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if they didn't give me ear plugs. They gave me an IV for sedation if needed, but I passed out anyways no matter the sirens of the end of the world surrounding me. But before I continue, i need to put an image in your head....

You assume an MRI is lying on your back & you enter this claustrophobic chamber, right? Oh no. For a breast MRI, you climb up on your knees, back facing the machine. You open your robe and support yourself going down in a semi-plank position, until you fit each breast into, what i call, it's own 'tune in tokyo' contraption. Seriously. Then the nurse wiggles each breast to ensure they're in correctly. Ok, now you should close your eyes and picture it. Go ahead. It's alright to giggle. I sure did!

After I was done, I went down for the PetCT scan. Another IV for sugar to stun my system (after my previous day of low carbs/no sugar, and not having eaten anything 6 hours before or drank anything 4 horus before), then drink this shake to 'highlight' my intestines. I thought, oh this little cup is nothing. The tech gave me what he said was the best flavor, mocha-chino. I can't imagine how bad the strawberry, banana or others are because that tasted like ass, but a little cup, no problem. He shows me to my own little medical cell (4x4 room) with a recliner and space heater to warm my body up, hands me the rest of the shake (almost a 1/4 gallon). Tells me to drink the rest, and that he'll be back in an hour. Thank goodness I brought my laptop to work!

He returns, has me empty my bladder and remove my bra. I do so, and he again asks if I'm wearing any metals, including hair tie. Then I lie down, and he starts to fill my IV with the radiation fluid. Warns me that my mouth will taste like metal and I'll feel a warming sensation go through my body, starts at my head through my torso. When it reaches my bladder, it'll feel like I'm peeing, but I'm not. And boy was he right, what a sensation! Then he straps me in like a mummy and tells me to go to sleep. An hour and half later, I'm done.

My Chief Doc calls me soon after to tell me my MRI came back fine, so left breast is clear. And then called me this morning to tell me the PetCT came back with what looks like arthritis in my lower back. Don't be freaked out, doesn't think it's cancer, but wants to do a back MRI (on Tuesday) to get more details before schedule the surgery. Um, doc, have you not noticed my DDs? Of course I have stress, pain, arthritis in my lower back!

More waiting, wondering, planning, and still working. If it weren't for a little thing called Hurricane Irene, I would have biked to work today! Still feeling healthy despite the cancer in my right tata!

Love you all.
Laurie

Our Last Two Months

Dear Family & Friends,

As some of you may know, but most of you not, the past couple of months have been a worldwind.

Less than a week ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I found a lump early July, waited a few weeks to confirm that it didn't go away (and I wasn't crazy!), & then got a mammogram & sonogram that confirmed something was 'suspicious.' I then had 4 biopsies done, 3 of which came back as invasive carcinoma, one of which is in my lymph nodes. I waited to post any news til I saw a specialist, which happened this morning.

Needless to say I feel so comfortable with my team that I'm not even waiting for a 2nd opinion, because as you can imagine the waiting is nearly just as horrible.  Dr. Estabrook is amazing & my kinda gal. No nonsense, didn't rush us, answered all of our questions. Good news is that my tumors are estrogen positive, which means they'll be receptive to estrogen blocker pills. I'm starting on that today to shrink the tumors, and will continue on them for another 5 years.

Because of the 2 tumors in the breast, I'll need a masectomy. Because of the tumor in my lymph node I'll need chemo, but we won't know the extent until I get more tests. I'll get a left breast MRI on Wednesday to confirm it doesn't have any tumors (would know results after 3 hrs). And then I'll get a pet-scan to confirm there's no cancer anywhere else in my body. I gave blood for them to analyze today, so along with the MRI she'll be able to give an estimate of the stage of cancer.

Because of the high risk of cancer in my family I'm testing for the cancer gene on 9/9 but the results take 3 weeks. She said I could wait for the cancer gene results & left breast MRI results to see the current possible outcome of the left breast before opting for a double masectomy. However, I've chosen to not wait any longer and to go ahead and do both. This isn't something I've been thinking about for a couple of days, or the past month. With the amount in my family, and especially now having kids, I don't want to live my life constantly worrying if it'll ever come back & be in and out of chemo forever. Ten years down the road, I don't want to have to go through this all over again. She said it's what she'd recommend in my case but never wants to come out and immediately suggest it, and that she talked with my doc already & they both agreed.

So this note isn't just an update on this horrible incident happening. I found it because I did a self-exam (3 months after my GYN did my annual). I listened to my body. I was already scheduled to get annual mammograms because of my family history, but the self exam pushed me to make that appointment that much earlier. Right now, I want each of you who read this, women & men, to think about the last time you examined yourself & do it now!

I'll be fine. This sucks more than anything. But on the bright side of things, I'll get that breast reduction surgery alot earlier than planned, get a great weight loss program started, and maybe even get a tummy tuck to boot! (But not my butt, I like that part of me way too much:)

And if anything, this is just another part of life that makes me put it all into perspective. I've always known I've had friends & family that love me, but you truly don't realize the depth until you hit a low that's unimaginable. I love you all, and looking forward to you watching me kick cancer's ass.
Bad news? I fucking hate pink!

With much love and inspiration,
Laurie